It’s been a while, yes.
Okay, a long while.

… but something always brings me back to you, and you to me.

We’ve both searched high and low, but came up empty handed.

We hid behind excuses, had our moments of darkness … but never a week passed that one of us saw through to the light.

“I’m sorry” … the words we’ve used too much to patch up the unecessaries – fights we wouldn’t have had if we weren’t apart.

It’s ridiculous when you really look at it, our push and pull.

I can’t shake the feeling that this is what a soulmate is, if such a thing exists … I’m just not so sure about what that means.

Of course, there is an off-chance that I’m full of shit and have no idea what I’m talking about … but that rarely happens … right?

Maybe we should just innocently chance it. Just … put our toes in he water and see if it’s alright to jump in.
Always,
D

Some of these things ended with good reasoning. Some with heartache. Some that didn’t make sense at all … and a few that still don’t.

I wonder what the “almosts” of 2012 will be. Will I have some “definites”? Either way, I’ve become thankful for the journey… because there’s always room for the “almosts” to become “the only thing that was”.

…And there’s nothing better in finding those little spaces in time when anything seems possible.
2012 … a year of many, many new things.

I’m aware, I’ve neglected this blog for a while. I’m busy, happy, finally experiencing some success in my professional life. The blur in the every day dulls my writing desire down to almost nothing … and I do hope to change that.

I hope you all are well.  As I approach 20,000 on my daily hit counter (see right), I feel increasingly lucky that I have people out there to share this journey with. This has been my motivation, my safety net, my diary, and my drawing board. The best friend I’ve ever had.

Here’s to another 2 years. And 2 more after that. Wishing you all an unsurpassable amount of love this holiday season.

-Dani

It takes more time than I’ve ever had, drains the life from me, makes me want to forget.

As young as I was, I felt older back then. More disciplined, stronger, and certain.

But I was scared to death of eternity, I was saved by grace … but destroyed by naivety

…and I lied to myself and said it was for the best.
And now faith is replaced with a logic, so cold. I’ve disregarded what I was.

Now I’m older and I know much more than I did back then, but the more I learn, the more I can’t understand.

And I’ve become content with this life that I lead, where I drink to much and don’t believe in much of anything.

And I lie to myself and say it’s for the best.
We’re moving forward, but holding ourselves back … and we’re waiting on something that will never come.

“And in the most surprising fact of my life, the one that at one point I thought I was incapable of feeling and unworthy of achieving, I am still in love with my wife. After almost 20 years of marriage, I look at her face and see her radiant light. I hold her and feel our hard-earned and sometimes difficult history passing between us, enveloping us in an aura of comfort, gratitude and profound attraction. If you’d asked me when I was a young punk what would have been the best thing that could have come my way, I would have said a movie with Martin Scorsese. But God had other plans. He gave me Sheryl.”

Still sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons.

We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Knowing is better than wondering, waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

But oh, the pain it can bring.

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, and hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside.

Most of the time, pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain, you just have to fight through … because the truth is, you can’t outrun it, and life always makes more.

Even now, in a remissive state, I believe for the most part, love is about choices. It’s about putting down the poison and the dagger (R & J reference) and making your own happy ending, most of the time. And that sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions … fate wins anyway.

Most people would be kind of peeved (they didn’t even mention that we made/designed it), but I’m proud. You see, I designed this piece. The customer sent in a rough sketch, but it didn’t look anything like what is pictured on the left. I changed out the center stone, and added the “swirl” that you see around it (before the swirl started at the edge of the stones). I thought “if I had this ring, what would I want it to look like”? When they received it, they wrote a two page letter about how much they loved it.

Seeing it under lighting and in new pictures made me smile. I feel … accomplished. It is for sure a dream ring, and I hope whoever gets it really enjoys it like I do. So beautiful.

It has inspired me to do more rough designing with my jeweler friends. I’m the only one who has worked extensively with Moissanite, and I know how to really make it stand out. As the great Versace once said … “If you can design it, you can sell it”.

Time to make some money.

Dani

Even if you know that it would be worth it… You do yourself a huge disservice by patiently putting yourself on the back burner.

By doing this, you’re subconciously rejecting someone out there who would never allow you to wait. In fact, there’s someone out there who wouldn’t fall behind in the first place … And they’d be sure to bring you back to pace if you ever slowed down.

In relationships, not being asked to stay is just an easier way of saying they’re complacent about you leaving.

-Dani

• We make exceptions to our cardinal rules because we’d hope that others would do the same for us.
• We spend our time holding out for things we know will never come, the hope alone is intoxicating – and boy, we hope like hell. Cherishing little glimmers of possibility like gold.
• We swallow our own word-vomit (sorry for the visual), after our words not being recieved quite the way we wanted them to be. At the time, it feels like a necessity, but in retrospect, it feels cowardess.
• We make excuses for those we love who don’t treat us with the same level of respect that we treat them. This is mostly because we understand the psychology behind the way they treat us, and that somehow makes it “okay”. 
• We set high expectations of others. Hoping that somehow the things we deem important will also be important to them.
• We hold our arms out, hoping to catch them just in case they happen to fall. Of course, by doing this your arms start being closed off to everyone else. You’ll know this because one day you’ll look behind you and cringe at the empty space behind you (usually as you’re swiftly falling).
• We wait. For what, we usually can’t pinpoint.
• We expect that treating them like kings and queens will register with them one day. They don’t see the footwork of their noble servants, yet take advantage of the benefits they reap from them. This is because you let them. If they truly love you, they’ll “get” it and reciprocate the gesture. If not, move on and give that energy to someone else (I realise this is much harder than it sounds, but stay with me). 

But the biggest travesty of it all? Far too often the targets of these behaviors are people who would never do the same for us. That in itself can leave a heart feeling unsettled and empty – and at the end of the day, alone. Why? Well, because we like to fix the broken. We can’t leave something behind that still holds a part of us because it means parting from that piece forever. What no one ever tells you – eventually you’ll find that piece inside someone/something else. Does the old piece ever come back? For some, but not for most. If you keep a realist’s attitude, you will never be disappointed.  

One thing I can tell you is that someone who loves you always reciprocates immediately. Someone who cares usually wants you to know it – they’ll feel the energy that you bring them, and they’ll use it as a catalyst for making you just as happy. That’s what real love does to you – it gets you out of your comfort zone, shakes you up, and puts you back down feeling dizzy, but strangely at home. 

And so I ask of you: fight the good fight. Don’t ever give up on something if you can’t go one day not thinking about it. On the same token, know when to walk away. Once you do, look behind you … if they’re not chasing you, keep marching on until you find someone who can keep up.

Dani

PS: Loving someone who hurts you isn’t crazy … Thinking that someone who hurts also loves you, however; is.

Second:112days,21hours,41minutes,5seconds

Third: 216days, 20hours,14minutes,8seconds

Forever:262days,17 hours,34minutes,9seconds

Time.

It’s a clever bastard sometimes. It usually enjoys kicking our asses or driving us completely insane. Even the strongest of us fall victim to its seemingly endless gravitational pull. It speeds up, slows down, stands still … freezes.

Time seems to lose all importance when we’re happy. It cooperates with patience and love so that it can pass by quickly. Sometimes it uses fear as a scapegoat for enjoying every moment of it.

Sometimes we feel cheated out of it – as if we’re not given enough. This soon disappears once we learn how to spend what we have left and who we can share that with.

When time takes from you, command it back. Use each moment as a chance to live the life you’ve always dreamed of … and while this comes with a lot of fear and trepidation, it is always worth it.

I’ve chosen to be fearless … to dive head first, relentlessly participating in my own fate and destiny. When you’re given limitations, that is the only choice you have left. Minutes, seconds – break them apart and use them like the most valuable currency in the world.

2012 will be one Hell of a year … I can’t wait.

Don’t count the “goodbyes” … count the “I love yous”.

Despite the darkness, I’ve strangely surfaced with an entirely new attitude and respect for life. I was accepted into the accelerated Nursing/Flight Medic program that I wanted, successfully sold most of my belongings to pay for bills/moving/school, and truly found a level of peace in my life that I’ve never experienced before. It’s crazy that in all of this mess, I’ve gotten to a point that I’ve been trying to achieve for years … I’m happy.

My theory on happiness is this: it always exists, you just have to know where to find it. Some people find it in their jobs, family, or buying a new car. It was a complete “ah-ha” moment when I realized that I had to find my happiness on my own … and the places that I find it are unique to ME. So for those who are searching for that road map, close your eyes and rid yourself of negativity and do the following:

1. Remove all of the “toxic” people from your life. Oprah first introduced this idea to me, and she was 100% right. If you keep people around who have no value to you, cause you drama, or simply bring negative energy into your life – kick their ass out! Life is short, why should they share a part of your beautiful life? Most are unable to do this in fear that they’ll be alone – but trust me on this – being alone is so much better than keeping toxic people on your shoulder. Sure, it’s not easy when it’s someone who you’re close to or have a history with – but in order to find true happiness, you have to put yourself first. You can’t find happiness by clinging to a relationship or even friends – you have to keep afloat on your own. You can do it, trust me.
2. Work out. No, really, sweat your ass off. Go for a walk, run, bike – step on the treadmill. It releases stress and makes you look amazing, giving you energy and confidence. This is coming from a girl who hates  working out – I’ve just learned to appreciate the benefits it gives me.
3. This is more of the same from the first point, but put yourself first. This means spending an entire 24 hour period alone. Turn off your phone and ask yourself “what do I need to do for myself today?”. For me, it was combined with terminating the toxic people from my life, cooking a complicated meal that no one else but me would eat, taking a shower that lasted way beyond my environmental limits, and going through old pictures/documents/news articles. For so long I had forgotten who I was … and then I got past the 20th news article from some award I won 3 years ago and it hit me: I’m Danielle Fucking Dodson. Where the Hell has she been the past three years?
4. Stop blaming your sadness/unhappiness on failed relationships (friends or romantic). Don’t invest your anger in something that is dead, gone, and worthless. It only keeps you in the darkest of places. You are where you are because of a combination of good and bad things, but never just one. Recognize the good in your life and replicate that in every way possible. The past is in the past, but if there’s goodness somewhere in there – for Pete’s sake, bring it back!

There are plenty more steps I took and “a-ha” moments I had, but those are the basics. The rest is your journey. For now, I will share with you some of the unique places that I have found my light:

To you and yours … I hope you find your happiness. Whether it’s reflecting on memories, kissing best friends or old flames to see if the spark is still there, holding a hug for a little longer than you should, or buying underwear that is way too expensive for you – do it. It’s worth it.

Always,